Today has been one of those days where I have been thinking too much. It has been almost a year now since I lost someone very dear to me. My mind has been in overdrive going through the last days before the passing of my dear grandfather. He was special, ambitious, and always compassionate towards others. A fighter for God and always a true example of the person I am striding to be.
As I go through the memory lane I am remembering the joy and heart-felt love that he always showed no matter how rough his day got. He never gave up on me and always gave me the encouragement I needed to push forward.
It has been a rough year for me. The hardest part behind his death was picking the pieces up and moving forward with my life. He was my friend, the one I could pick up the phone and talk to when my day was not going so well. He was the one where I could always depend on to be there when I needed someone to listen, encourage, and push me when I felt down. We talked everyday, more than once and that was the best.
As I move forward I am having to re-find myself in all the chaos. Rebuilding the broken pieces and replacing them with new memories, new friends, a new beginning or should I say chapter. Even though he is gone he will always be there cheering me on just as he used to.
Time is not a luxury we can afford to waist. I didn’t really think about that until recently. My grandfather, Ted Warren, passed in September of 015. He was like my dad, he raised me with my Dad and Grandmother, who died when I was nine years old. Death can creep on you so quickly without warning and I think that is one thing we tend to forget especially children. They don’t have a care in the world and to be honest I would rather they don’t. It is good for children to not have to worry about the daily stressors of an adults life. We live, we learn, and we embrace: that is my motto.
The one gift both my grandmother and grandfather left me was the foundation of salvation. One gift that is eternal! If it weren’t for them sharing God’s Word with me I don’t know where I would be or scarier who I would be. I am so thankful and have a better understanding of why my grandfather gave up everything he had for others. He was a true example of the person God would want me and you to be.
When we lose someone we tend to get lost in grief (trust me, I know this one too well). Taking the next step is always the hardest. We don’t want to always go forward because of the doubts we have in our own lives especially when we lose that person we love. I am still trying to find my way through the fog of grief. It can definitely hold its grip and cause bumpy hurdles that make it hard to see the light ahead. The best advice I can give you is LOVE HARD, EMBRACE THE MOMENT, NEVER LET GO, and PRAY ALWAYS. Those are what keep me moving forward daily. I hope that if you are in a state of grief that you are able to see the good around you. Always know that it does get easier, you never forget, but the pain does ease with time. Think of the good and embrace the happy memories!! I promise it helps.
I am dedicating this blog post to you Michael and Stephen Warren, I hope that one day you will read this and smile. I will always love you both, we are one. All three us are bound by blood, as triplets. Even though now we are separated I will always love you both unconditionally.
I want you both to know that you are and always will be special to me. The pain lingers, the burden is strong, and yes the anger has grown within reason. I understand, I get the pain and I want you to know that no matter how bad it hurts I will always be here to be whatever you need me to be. My love for you two will never fail and I will never give up on you two. I think of you both daily and will one day hopefully if you allow it embrace you both as siblings again.
I have noticed when working from home that I don’t seem as motivated and am more likely to become distracted. Yep distracted….either by my silly wildcats (joking-not) or my very creative kids find a way to pull this mommy away (which is honestly a great excuse to use). Balancing home life can be very complicated sometimes especially when it is combined with my work life. Finding that balance is key. I have decided recently that working after the kids go down to sleep at night has been such a better approach than my ‘I am going to try to work through the Chaos’ method.
I will say recently I have found a greater joy being home with the kids than I ever did before. For a while I was lost in what I wanted to do with my life. I felt unsure about every decision I made. Now since my grandfather passed last September I have found a more meaningful understanding of how precious life is and how often we take life for granted. I have found out how beautiful motherhood truly is and how blessed I am to be the mother of my four amazing kids! I want all you wonderful parents out there to know it is a gift to be a parent and an honor that should always be cherished.